Words from my Soul

I'm writing this now because I want to remember this tomorrow. How I came home from work... missing you and wanting you. Needing to feel you close to me. As the night with you progressed I realized it had been over 3 hours of dancing and playing in the kitchen. Touching you playfully as you would occasionally give me some of those body wrenching touches right back. The feeling of wanting you so intense. I've never wanted anyone the way that I want you. Amazing night. Always with laughter and playing. Thinking of the moments that make me numb. Feelings that make my hips move in repetitious circles as I'm imaging gliding over you, so slowly. Feels so good. God I miss you. I  wait patiently for you.  To be in the same moment. To want me the same exact way. Without excuses. Without boundaries.  Just us. Flesh on flesh. Love with love. Heart to heart. There was a time we couldn't get enough of each other. A time where a discussion could lead into pain in areas that could on...

I'm not sure how life has passed by so quickly but I know that my love for you has grown immensely since the day I knew you were growing inside of me. It's been almost 20 years that I've had the pleasure of being your mother. I've watched you learn to walk, heard you speak your first words, enjoyed the many chapters of watching you grow into this amazing young woman.  I've been blessed with one of the most beautiful souls that has been created for this thing we call life. To say you didn't have hard times would be a lie. You endured pain and loss in your young life that most will never understand. The strength that you hold within yourself is nothing short of amazing. You have pulled through some of the hardest times. You have pulled me out of moments I never thought I would overcome.  You have always been more than my child, you have been my entire life, my strength and my reason to keep going even when I didn't have the will to. You have watched me break ...

Every single year, the same day passes and I relive the events all over again. Time doesn't change feelings or emotions. They say it gets better but it hasn't yet. It seems like an eternity since I have seen your face. Heard you laugh. Felt your arms hug me tighter than anyone in this world can. Every moment,  every second,  every year that passes it seems to hit me a little harder.  Missing the daily phone calls. Calling right back just to say you love me one more time.  Pulling up to your house while you're sitting in the garage drinking your adult beverage or working in your yard which you always took pride in. Cooking on the grill and cutting me off a piece of your masterpiece for me to try while you make that "Tim the tool man Taylor noise" of satisfaction. Singing those songs, some to me and some just to make me laugh. Calling you from the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert when they were playing "Free Bird" while we both cried as you kept telling me not to ...

As a Survivor of childhood abuse I would like to share a little power to all of you. Before I start I want to say that the most important thing to remember is to stop being afraid to talk about it. It is time to uncover the rug and discuss the things that are so close to home. Stop covering your daughters ears. Let them know what is out there and what can happen to them. Make them aware, let them be scared. The more honest we are, the more we teach them then the more they become stronger to face the truth if it is ever presented to them. Let them know that there is a way out, there is always someone to tell and there is someone out there that will listen and do what ever they need to do to help them. It has been hidden and censored for too long. Human trafficking is happening right here in the town you live in. There are safe houses for those that have been rescued, there are numbers to call if you are or know a victim. It is not something that is happening on TV. It is here, it ...

There are probably going to be many opinions about this post but this one is mine.  Through your life you make memories,  alone,  with family and people that were once a big part of your life. All of these memories make you who you are today through the good the bad and the ugly.  Some memories cause you to smile with happiness that was felt in that moment,  some cause you tears from the pain and emotion that still feels so real, others make you cringe wishing you could erase the entire chapter.  When things come up that make you remember something or someone it's hard to make heads or tails of why it's important enough for conversation.  There are specifics that are controversial for many people. An ex.  A lover that once was. Someone  who at one point was a thought that was going to be forever.  When you move on to another relationship you know that the past will always be in your thoughts.  But at what point should the past...

I've witnessed a mother,  friends, a son,  ex wife,  ex girlfriends and close family all go through the hell that he caused.  How many people have to turn their backs before the point is taken.  Friends come and go, to the point where you can't keep track. I always said I would be there no matter what but I guess even the most loyal of people can back out of a promise. I got pushed to that point. Over so many years I put all my faith in to him, no matter how wrong he may of been, I always believed he "could change". Years of so many lies, lies that even he began to think were true, ones that hurt people and sometimes were unnecessary. He could tell a story like it really happened and you were a part of it and most people were too shocked, or afraid to say it didn't . He stole from so many people, family and friends. From little things that didn't need to be stolen to things like trust.  Always know to never cross him, never call him out...

           It's almost too easy in the beginning. Two hearts so completely in love who can never get enough of each other. You believe it will last forever. Promises to never let it change.  Text messages that made your body feel numb.  Phone calls that you could hear the smile on the other end. Times where you felt like you haven't heard from them for hours but you look at your phone and its really not even been sixty minutes. When they are right beside you but they are not close enough. You've been together all day but the hours seem so short and you need more time. When you can feel your hearts beating together as one. So intense you can't breathe. Feels too good to think that the fire will ever stop burning. Nights turned into mornings and the mornings lasted until the afternoon. Laughing, saying we couldn't stay in the bed all day but it felt so good you just didn't want it to end. But even on the best days. Moments where the connect...

I believe in angels. I believe that there are angels walking the earth with us. We see them, we look past them, we ignore them but they are there. Everywhere. I worked with my father for a long time. We would go to accounts together and that gave us a lot of time to talk and bond. One day we were walking up to a building and while still in the parking lot this butterfly stayed close by and followed us all the way up to the door. We both thought it was really awesome but kept going about our business. We were working with the contractors for about an hour, if not longer. When we were leaving the butterfly was still by the door. My dad chuckled. "It waited for us." I just smiled as I stared at it amazed that it was so close and still there. After a minute or so of standing there looking at this beautiful creature and talking about it we started back to the truck. The looks on our faces were identical as we realized the butterfly was tagging along. I am sure you could j...

em·path ˈempaTH/ noun (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual I have always been the overly sensitive kind of human. I will cry at commercials. I can't stand to see anyone being hurt or tortured. I refuse watching anything where an animal is being harmed. You know those videos on facebook where the animal is being rescued from some kind of human cruelty, even though you know at the end the dog is going to being doing amazing with a better life and a family, I still can not watch it. My heart can not take the emotions that flow through my body. I don't understand why there are people out there that could hurt another living thing. I can not wrap my mind around it. I say things without thinking sometimes. My friend was standing in my office and she was crying about different things going on in her life. I allowed her to get everything out as I cried with he...

Writing can be such an amazing escape. Not only from reality but also into a brand new discovery of another life. People can write for so many different reasons. Some like to take you into a different land of imagination and make believe. Others use it to get lost in romance and emotions. There are all kinds of ways to grab the attention of the reader. The words. It is all in the words, the meaning behind them and the passion that makes them come alive. I write for something totally different. I need to heal. I have an emotional explosion of my life and writing is my way of letting it all out. There is a sense of safety that consumes me when I allow my thoughts, my fears and my pain unfold. When I share my demons and my history I take that chance of shame and ridicule to find me. But no matter what I may receive from another there is nothing worth the weight that is lifted from my heart and soul when I release it into the universe. Today I was referred to as an angel. Not your ...

Hi! I hope you are doing good up there. I know you can see what I am going through down here. There is a part of me that can not wait to be with you. But for now, I can just tell you how I feel. You taught me so many things in the 30 years you were with me. Things that most good fathers teach their children and sometimes things that parents would never show them. But I appreciated all the stuff I learned from you, good and bad. The biggest thing you taught me was how to love. I mean not just the typical kind of love, but really love. Unconditionally. Everyone. No excuses, no barriers, no boundaries. Everyone you come in contact with is deserving of the love that you have inside you. There is no reason to not be nice to everyone you meet, even if you just met them. You taught me how to laugh. At everything. Even the inappropriate things. You can find anything to be funny. That belly laugh that you would let out was so contagious. Even if the stuff wasn't funny it wa...

Everyone has that moment where they wonder "what if" at least a few times in their life. It would be hard to convince me that anyone has never had that thought. Most people believe that everything happens for a reason but even though we try so hard to figure out what that reason is we may never know. There are a lot of "what ifs" in my past. Not that I regret where I am now but mostly because I am curious to know if things would be any different than what they are now. Do you remember those books where at the end of the chapter you could pick which choice the character made. Like... Skip to chapter 3 if you think Tony should go over the bridge and move on to chapter 2 if he you want him to take the boat across the lake. What would life be like if you could choose your destiny. I mean we kind of can but what if you didn't like the way that particular chapter ended you could go back to the last chapter and choose the other option. Do you think that the majori...