Every year, same feelings, all over again

Every single year, the same day passes and I relive the events all over again. Time doesn't change feelings or emotions. They say it gets better but it hasn't yet.
It seems like an eternity since I have seen your face. Heard you laugh. Felt your arms hug me tighter than anyone in this world can.
Every moment,  every second,  every year that passes it seems to hit me a little harder.  Missing the daily phone calls. Calling right back just to say you love me one more time.  Pulling up to your house while you're sitting in the garage drinking your adult beverage or working in your yard which you always took pride in. Cooking on the grill and cutting me off a piece of your masterpiece for me to try while you make that "Tim the tool man Taylor noise" of satisfaction. Singing those songs, some to me and some just to make me laugh. Calling you from the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert when they were playing "Free Bird" while we both cried as you kept telling me not to cry. There are so many memories, hundreds of songs, so many things that remind me of you. I don't go a day without something making me think of you. Sometimes I smile, sometimes a little giggle comes out and sometimes I can't hold back the tears.
You always told me how much you loved me. How beautiful I was no matter what anyone else tried to make me believe. "One day they will see what I see" ... "One day you will see what I see." You taught me so much. But most importantly you taught me how to love.
I try everyday to make you proud of who I am and what I do. I treat every patient as if they are you, just like you made me promise.
You knew me more than anyone on this earth could even try to. You believed in me. You pushed me and made me become the woman I am today.
The other day I was thinking about you a lot.  I was going through some boxes and found a box full of cards that I gave you that you saved from when I was s little girl.  Among those cards was a journal you kept after you were diagnosed with cancer.  It was hard for me to read some of the entries.  To read what you were going through.  The family and friends that wrote in it when they came to visit.  Of course there were many pages of me writing to you.  I can still feel exactly how I felt when I wrote them.  There was also a letter,  one I sent you by mail,  I wrote right after we were informed you had cancer.  I was so scared,  I told you how bad I needed you to fight and how much I needed you here.
I'm thankful for you. I'm so blessed to of had a father that not only was my dad but my best friend. Someone I could talk to, cry to, tell my secrets to and know you were going to love me anyways.
Those last three years were the best and worst years of my life. But that last day you taught me how to let go, as hard as it was, as much as I didn't want to.
It's hard to think that life can keep going without someone so amazing. Someone I never thought I could live without.
I'll never forget laying beside you while your breathing became slower. Your breath more shallow. I knew it was coming and I had to say goodby. You fought so hard to stay around longer. You told me you didn't want to leave me. But I knew your time on this earth was coming to an end. I couldn't help but lay there and hold you. While everyone came in to say their goodbyes I couldn't move. I knew once I let go, once I walked out of that room, I would never see you again.
That night you drifted off to your next life and I was driving home in your truck. I was in another world as I didnt know what to think or feel. I felt numb. I don't even know how I was driving. Then out of nowhere the snow started to fall. It was like something hit me all at once. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see through the tears. I had to pull over, I had to catch my breath. How was I going to walk in the house and tell my little girl that her papaw was gone. How could I let her see me in this state. How can I be strong for her little heart when I couldn't find the strength for myself. How was I going to wake up everyday and be the mother she needed when I didnt want to wake up at all. I knew I had to but there was so much pain and selfishness inside of me that took over all reality. I lost the one person who loved me the most. My whole life was turned upside down. My dad was gone. And there was absolutely nothing in the world that could change that.
I'm sorry I was selfish. I'm sorry for pushing and begging you to keep fighting. I'm sorry for not letting myself believe that you were dying. I know you were tired even though you tried to hide it. I'm sorry for crying everytime I came to see you. I know that broke your heart. But my heart was breaking and I didn't know how to deal with it. I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't hide the pain. I couldn't look at my father who was wasting away to nothing and pretend to be strong. You were always so strong. One of the strongest humans I know. I'm sorry I couldn't be.
I miss you so much. 
I love you daddy. More than anyone will ever know. You may be gone but I promise you will never be forgotten.  I know I'll see you again. I can't wait to see your beautiful smile when I get where you are. You will always know "Who loves ya baby!"