Death, the unspoken word
That word that seems to always be there. Its coming. There is no escaping it. No matter how well you take care of yourself. No matter how good you eat or how fit you are. You're not safe from the word. Some are afraid. Can't even talk about it. I was that person once. But then I experienced death. All kinds, very close together. 20+ people in a matter of 3 years. It changed my life. It twisted my entire outlook on the subject and how I viewed it.
Growing up I didn't have to experience it much. I mean, no one I was really close to where it affected me. But then when I hit my 30's everyone started leaving. One by one, dropping like flies.
It started with my cousin. He was beautiful. Best way to describe him was 'surfer boy' charm and appearance. He had a soft heart, I was blind, I thought he loved his life. He was fighting depression for a long time. We didn't find out until after he was gone that he didn't have money to continue with his medication. We all say we would of helped him if we knew but honestly I believe it was his destiny no matter how much we wished we could of changed it. He was losing his mother. My father, who was his uncle sky, was dying and he was also dealing with home issues. He was dealing with so much on top of his sickness. He couldn't take it anymore. He lost the fight. I was at work when I got the news. I answered the phone, it was my father. He called to tell me that he had taken his life.
What?
I was numb.
My dad was crying. I had to know how. I wanted to know why.
Him and his girlfriend had been in an argument. Words were exchanged. He couldn't deal anymore. He went for a walk and ended up on the train tracks. He continued to walk with his back towards the oncoming thousand pound steel on wheels. It was said that the conductor tried to stop. He blew the horn over and over but he never moved. He never turned around to see how close it was coming up behind him. He allowed the train to take him. Imagine the pain you have to be feeling to keep walking knowing what was going to happen. You know you are not going to win that fight. His death started a horrible train, no pun intended, of death events.
Two months later I was sitting on the couch with my father. He was literally wasting away. He was skin and bones. He was losing his fight to cancer. He was only given six months to live at the time of his Stage 4 Colon Cancer diagnosis. He refused to let go that easy. He promised me he wasn't going anywhere. He gave a long hard fight for 3 years. He beat the odds. He fought like hell.
He wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready.
I couldn't lose my father.
I made the comment that I had to see him suffer before ever accepting the fact that he was dying.
Be careful what you wish for.
I knew his time was coming. The moment he sat up, huge beautiful smile on his face. His eyes lit up as if he was looking at an angel.
Then it hit me.
That was exactly what he was looking at.
He stared up in the corner. He started waving and blowing kisses. I couldn't see who he saw but I knew. A month later he was laying in bed. His eyes were half staff. No longer strong enough to even go out into the living room to sit on the couch with the rest of us. It was time. I had watched him suffer for so long. It was time for me to accept the fate and let him go. He had not spoke a word in over twenty-four hours. I crawled up in the bed beside him. I could hear the fluid moving in his lungs with every breath he took. I told him I loved him as the tears were falling uncontrollably. He knew I loved him but we made it a point to tell each other all the time anyways. So why stop now. At that moment he opened his eyes, looking at nothing, and he said the words I needed to hear one last time.
"I love you baby"
His eyes closed and a few hours later I heard my hero take his last breath. I watched my best friend enter a new dimension, so peacefully, into another life. I laid beside him for what seemed like forever. People kept coming in and kissing him, saying their good-byes. I didn't care. I was not letting him go. I wrapped my arms around him, letting the pain exude my body. Tears that were never ending. He was gone. I am never going to see my daddy again.
This is not okay.
Please don't make me let go.
But I had to let go.
The funeral home was coming to pick him up. Reality hit me. I mustered up the strength to crawl off the bed. I was standing there with my sister and our brother. We were all crying. His death impacted all of us. I was his only child but he raised the other two. He loved them just like they were his. I was okay with this. My sister looked at me. She said the words that still affect me to this day.
"Take a good look at him, tomorrow he will only be a memory."
How true those words became.
After losing him, I was numb. Emotionally and Mentally.
Not even a month after he passed away there was a roller coaster of death and loss for my entire family. Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, our family dog and even a baby of mine. My emotions were all over the place. For someone who was terrified of death had just experienced so much in such a short time. I was lo longer afraid. How could you be afraid of going to a place where so many of my loved ones were waiting for me.
Death.
Its a part of life.
We are born to die.
But in the middle of the life and death cycle is a circle of madness, of purpose. We are meant to find ours. To learn lessons. To grow and to love. We all have a destiny. There is a plan for every one of us. No matter what we do our last day is set the day we take our first breath.
It is Imminent. There is no escaping it. Nobody lives forever so you should be living now.
Take chances.
Love with your entire soul.
Be kind.
Be humble.
We are all here for a reason.
Find your reason and make it your mission to serve it.
Always remember....
You are important.
You are worth it.
❤
Growing up I didn't have to experience it much. I mean, no one I was really close to where it affected me. But then when I hit my 30's everyone started leaving. One by one, dropping like flies.
It started with my cousin. He was beautiful. Best way to describe him was 'surfer boy' charm and appearance. He had a soft heart, I was blind, I thought he loved his life. He was fighting depression for a long time. We didn't find out until after he was gone that he didn't have money to continue with his medication. We all say we would of helped him if we knew but honestly I believe it was his destiny no matter how much we wished we could of changed it. He was losing his mother. My father, who was his uncle sky, was dying and he was also dealing with home issues. He was dealing with so much on top of his sickness. He couldn't take it anymore. He lost the fight. I was at work when I got the news. I answered the phone, it was my father. He called to tell me that he had taken his life.
What?
I was numb.
My dad was crying. I had to know how. I wanted to know why.
Him and his girlfriend had been in an argument. Words were exchanged. He couldn't deal anymore. He went for a walk and ended up on the train tracks. He continued to walk with his back towards the oncoming thousand pound steel on wheels. It was said that the conductor tried to stop. He blew the horn over and over but he never moved. He never turned around to see how close it was coming up behind him. He allowed the train to take him. Imagine the pain you have to be feeling to keep walking knowing what was going to happen. You know you are not going to win that fight. His death started a horrible train, no pun intended, of death events.
Two months later I was sitting on the couch with my father. He was literally wasting away. He was skin and bones. He was losing his fight to cancer. He was only given six months to live at the time of his Stage 4 Colon Cancer diagnosis. He refused to let go that easy. He promised me he wasn't going anywhere. He gave a long hard fight for 3 years. He beat the odds. He fought like hell.
He wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready.
I couldn't lose my father.
I made the comment that I had to see him suffer before ever accepting the fact that he was dying.
Be careful what you wish for.
I knew his time was coming. The moment he sat up, huge beautiful smile on his face. His eyes lit up as if he was looking at an angel.
Then it hit me.
That was exactly what he was looking at.
He stared up in the corner. He started waving and blowing kisses. I couldn't see who he saw but I knew. A month later he was laying in bed. His eyes were half staff. No longer strong enough to even go out into the living room to sit on the couch with the rest of us. It was time. I had watched him suffer for so long. It was time for me to accept the fate and let him go. He had not spoke a word in over twenty-four hours. I crawled up in the bed beside him. I could hear the fluid moving in his lungs with every breath he took. I told him I loved him as the tears were falling uncontrollably. He knew I loved him but we made it a point to tell each other all the time anyways. So why stop now. At that moment he opened his eyes, looking at nothing, and he said the words I needed to hear one last time.
"I love you baby"
His eyes closed and a few hours later I heard my hero take his last breath. I watched my best friend enter a new dimension, so peacefully, into another life. I laid beside him for what seemed like forever. People kept coming in and kissing him, saying their good-byes. I didn't care. I was not letting him go. I wrapped my arms around him, letting the pain exude my body. Tears that were never ending. He was gone. I am never going to see my daddy again.
This is not okay.
Please don't make me let go.
But I had to let go.
The funeral home was coming to pick him up. Reality hit me. I mustered up the strength to crawl off the bed. I was standing there with my sister and our brother. We were all crying. His death impacted all of us. I was his only child but he raised the other two. He loved them just like they were his. I was okay with this. My sister looked at me. She said the words that still affect me to this day.
"Take a good look at him, tomorrow he will only be a memory."
How true those words became.
After losing him, I was numb. Emotionally and Mentally.
Not even a month after he passed away there was a roller coaster of death and loss for my entire family. Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, our family dog and even a baby of mine. My emotions were all over the place. For someone who was terrified of death had just experienced so much in such a short time. I was lo longer afraid. How could you be afraid of going to a place where so many of my loved ones were waiting for me.
Death.
Its a part of life.
We are born to die.
But in the middle of the life and death cycle is a circle of madness, of purpose. We are meant to find ours. To learn lessons. To grow and to love. We all have a destiny. There is a plan for every one of us. No matter what we do our last day is set the day we take our first breath.
It is Imminent. There is no escaping it. Nobody lives forever so you should be living now.
Take chances.
Love with your entire soul.
Be kind.
Be humble.
We are all here for a reason.
Find your reason and make it your mission to serve it.
Always remember....
You are important.
You are worth it.
❤
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