To the girl I could of become

Sometimes I wonder where I would be in my life right now if I would not of had the little bit of love and support I did have. Most girls that have been through what I endured have taken the wrong road trying to hide their feelings and the pain that scarred their souls. I believe I did just the opposite. I could of been the drug addict. I could of easily been the prostitute selling her body for cash and what could of been mistaken for love and desire. I think even though there was a time in my life where I wanted to die, or thought I wanted to die, I could of very easily taken that route and not been here at all today. But, what would that of proved? Of all the demons and men that hurt me, would that of made them the stronger ones because I succumbed to the pain? They did not deserve to win. They did not have right to have that power over me. I had to rise above and show them that they, all together, did not break me.
Then I get to the point where I relive those days, those moments, those fears. Why me? Doesn't every girl in the world think that at one point in their lives? But seriously. Why? What on earth did I do to ever deserve any of the abuse I had to experience, over and over again. Why was I quiet? Why did I let it happen, over and over again? At one point I remember feeling ashamed of myself. I could not look in the mirror and think that I was a beautiful person. All I seen was dirt. I seen a girl that allowed so many people to use me as if I was a doll at their pleasure. How sick are some people that they could look at a little girl and think "Yes, I want to touch her." I will never understand.

It started when I was so young. There are so many different faces, faces I was supposed to be able to trust. People that were supposed to be protecting me. Men and boys in my family that should of been teaching me how to really be treated. But instead they were teaching me how I was not supposed to be treated. The first incident was when I was under 10 years old. The boy who was supposed to beat a kids ass for hurting me was the one hurting me. It is said that he was or had gone through some type of abuse as well, but that does not actually make it right. I understand he was still young and this was learned behavior but I was flying under his wing. And he shit on me. I always looked up to him anyways. I tried to hide those feelings and forget about them. Especially when I got older. I just wanted to feel normal and he was not the only one who failed me so why should he get all the blame. I will spare all of those details but all I can say is the taste of warm piss in your mouth is something you should never have to know at such a young age. It is definitely a taste I will never forget.

Then we have my uncle. He was not my blood relation but he was married to my aunt and he was trusted. He was a good guy in every one's eyes. Little did I know I wasn't the only little girl in the family that was getting the same special treatment. I guess you could say I was lucky because he must of been scared shitless of my father so he did not continue after the first incident. He wanted to show me his semi. Not the semi that we would be thinking in this situation, but a real semi. I got in the truck and being such a little girl it was so awesome. Then he asked me if I wanted to sit on his lap and drive. Of course I did. But I had no fucking idea that that would mean what it meant to him. After the little driving session, or whatever you want to call it, was over I went straight in the house and passed my father. I didn't even talk or look at him. I went directly to the fridge to get whatever I was looking for (possibly my sanity) and get away from him. I remember my dad coming to find me and asking me if I was ok and what was wrong. I never answered him. That is when I changed. That is when that quiet and good little girl turned into something so different.
After that day my world flipped upside down. My parents got divorced. My mom was never happy. Being a little girl and not having any memories of my mother being happy or doing anything with me for that matter is a big deal. I think she had a huge impact on the person I became. I wouldn't say she was mean, I don't even have any recollection of her being a horrible mother, she just wasn't the nurturing type. She didn't hold me and teach me things. She yelled at me a lot. She layed on the couch a lot. She was gone a lot. She was the reason my father had to leave. When he left it only got worse. She had to find someone to watch me. She did. Not only was it a babysitter but it was a free babysitter. But what she didn't know, it was not free for me.
His name was Ron. He walked with a limp. He had scars all over his body. He was a fucking creep. And she let him be responsible for her little girl, for hours at a time. Multiple times this man tried to do things to me, then I would wake up and he would apparently be too afraid to continue with his mission. But he was able to do a few things. He managed to get my underwear off a few times before I woke up. I woke up with his hands and his disgusting body on me. His face in a place that it most certainly should not of been. But then one day it all changed. He got himself a girlfriend. She did not like that fact that he was babysitting me for free for another woman. My mom was pretty. Men did things for her. His girlfriend did not want to be dating a man that did a favor for my mother. So she had to find another babysitter.
Off to another man.
This man was older, bigger and did a lot worse. His name was Bill. Another man willing to watch a little girl for free, for my mother.
He got away with his demons for a long time. He was smart. He was a manipulator. He had money. He blinded everyone around me. Well almost everyone. The day it started, he had just went out and bought me all the toys that a little girl could ask for. I was sitting on the couch, playing with my brand new barbie. He asked me to come over and sit on his lap, he wanted to see my barbie. Of course he did! I remember not being very old, actually I did not even have the slightest bumps for boobs yet. All I had was two nipples. But he wanted to change that. He told me that he knew how to make them bigger. "If you rub them a lot and suck on them they will get bigger." What the fuck does a little girl do about that new lesson? My body was so tense. I didn't want to move. No noise. I don't even think I took a breath. After a few minutes he told me I could put my shirt back down. He wrapped his arms around me and sat back with this creeper grin on his face and began to rock us in the recliner. Very calmly he then proclaimed,
"You know you will get into trouble if you tell anyone, I will get into trouble and you will probably never see your dad again because they will take you away, I hope you understand that."
You will never see your dad again.
You will NEVER see your dad again.
Those words.
They scared the fucking shit out of me.
Years passed. Five nights a week. Sometimes six, for the next 3-4 years. There was even times where he called my mom and said I needed to stay the night with him because we would be leaving early in the morning for a shopping trip hours away. She allowed it. How the fuck do you allow your little girl to stay the night with an old man just so he can take her shopping? Something does not add up. Free babysitter or not, this was not ok. But it continued. Years went by before I started standing up to myself. He called, his same request. I protested.
"I don't want to stay the night over there, please don't make me go!!"
Her response would kill my soul for the rest of my life.
"Why are you being a spoiled little bitch? You know he is lonely, he takes you out and buys you shit all the time, you don't complain when you have bags of presents to bring home!"
I just stood there and cried in total shock.
She was right. I allowed him to buy my silence. That is what she had me believing from that day on. So from then I always had a friend come with me. Anyone that I could get to come. Which wasn't many because there were not many parents that would allow their daughters to hang out in that situation. They were not comfortable with it. OF COURSE NOT!!!! How could you be? Some fat fuck old man wanting to take little girls on shopping sprees. After this going on for a while, bringing friends, he caught on. He made it very clear that I would not be asking for anyone else to come along and hang out with me.
FUCK! Now what?
One night I thought it was finally over. The routine "bed time" was happening. He didn't hear the knock at the door. The phone rang. It was my mom. When he hung up the phone I could not only hear the fear in his voice, it was written all over his face.
"Your mom was here, she said she came here early to get you and we didn't hear the door"
"Hurry up and get dressed, I got to take you home"
All the way home he planned his excuse. He had it down, exactly what he wanted me to say.
"We were not there, we were at the neighbors!"
We walked into the house to see my mother and my soon to be step-father sitting on the couch. He told his story. I just stood there with my head down. I never said a word. After a few minutes of him telling his story and the awkwardness of the whole situation my mothers boyfriend wanted to hear me talk.
"Is this true?"
I just nodded and then quickly went upstairs to my bedroom. Nobody said anything else to me that night.
It seemed to die down a lot after that night. I don't think it happened much at all. At least not like the continuous routine prior to that. I attempted to reach out after that happened. I didn't know how to do this but I did what I thought was best and I confided into my best friend. After telling her what had been going on for such a long time she convinced me that we needed to tell an adult. I told her the fear. What he had told me would happen if anyone found out and I freaked out on her. Begging her not to say anything. I did not want to get into trouble. I did not want to be taken away from my father.
She didn't listen. She told her mom. I love her for standing up for me.
I called her a couple weekends later and wanted to stay the night, for once, I was not allowed to.
That was strange? We always stayed with each other. A couple more weeks went by and I called again. This time she was allowed to stay with me. That night she told me why I was not allowed to come over.
I was mortified.
"I told my mom what you said, I know you didn't want me to but I needed to tell. But she said that you were lying and only trying to get attention."
My first attempt to cry for help and I was not only disregarded but also called an attention whore and a liar.
Now what?
After weeks, maybe months later, he called my mother.
"I would like to take her shopping at the outlets in Cincinnati tomorrow, she can stay here."
Before my mom could even hang up the phone I made it a point to speak my mind.
"I want you to go with us mom, can he just pick us up in the morning?"
She didn't have a chance to say anything, he heard me. He accepted my wishes.
That morning he picked us up. I had to sit in the back seat, but I was more than ok with this. I didn't talk much. I let them converse. I only spoke when they talked to me.
I was angry.
I was done.
As we were shopping I took him for everything I could. There was a white Guess jean jacket I had to have. It was so expensive. He told me no. My mom said a few choice words to me, of course calling me spoiled.
This was my chance.
He said the wrong thing.
"I think I have bought you enough."
Oh, no you didn't. Just because my mom is here does not mean you can put me in that spot.
"You owe me your life!"
His face said it all. My mom just stood there with the look of shock and confusion. Either she didn't know what to think or she did and just didn't want to believe it.
Whatever both of them thought at that time I knew what I felt. I felt powerful. I felt strong. I felt like I was finally able to put my foot down and not be afraid anymore. He felt that too. He made it a point to tell me that it wasn't a good idea to do anything anymore.
No shit! Fucking genius. Dumb Mother Fucker!
A year or so went by. I was dealing with some crazy emotions. At this point I was in high school and I was starting to find myself as a teenager and a woman. I was confused as I was falling in love with my very first girlfriend. We were together for a long time. I confided into her all the abuse that I had endured over the years. She made it very clear that if I did not turn him in she was going to say something.
I wasn't ready.
I let it go on for so long never telling anyone. Everyone will blame me. It will come back on me. I know it will.
We got into a huge fight about this a few weeks later because I still had not told my parents.
I was sitting on the chair, in the living room at my fathers house. I was crying. I was angry at her for pushing me. Why would she push me to do something? Why did I even tell her?
My stepmother, who is also known as my angel, came into the living room. She seen that I was upset. She just wanted to talk to me. I was not very receptive to her communication. But she kept talking. Digging into my soul trying to get me to say it. I didn't break. So she did what she had to do. She said the words to me that today make me feel the same emotions all over again.
"I know what you are going through."
My response was not kind. Very rude actually.
"You have no idea what the hell I have been through!"
There was silence for what seemed like forever but was probably only seconds.
"I do know..." and she said his name. 
Even writing this right now my chest is rising and I can barely breathe. The weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. The emotions that took over my entire body. I felt like I was having a seizure. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't even have to admit it. I didn't have to say anything to her. She knew. She just held me. For what seemed like hours.
I was free. I didn't have to bare that weight anymore. I didn't have to be afraid anymore. I could breathe.
When she finally got me settled down she said what I knew was inevitable.
"We have to wake your dad up, we need to tell him."
The crying started all over again. I didn't want my dad to know. I didn't want to lose him. What if he is angry with me?
She reassured me that he would not be mad at me for any reason at all.
My father was my hero. He was my life. He was my best friend. I was so afraid that he would be ashamed of me. What if he never looked at me the same again. What if he never trusted me again. All these things ran through my head. Along with many other things, I am sure, but I think it would be impossible for me to remember everything that went through my head at that moment.
She went and got my father.
He walked out of the bedroom, sleepy eyed and confused. He noticed right away that I was very upset. He sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. Begging me to talk. But I couldn't. I could barely breathe let alone get a word out of my mouth. He started getting anxious. He was very upset at this point because no one was saying anything.
"Honey, you remember me telling you there was something wrong with the Bill situation?"
There was silence.
All you could hear was the crying and breathing between the three of us.
"Baby, is it true, did he hurt you?"
Still no words. Not because I didn't want to answer him, I couldn't.
All theses years. All the suppressing of feelings of fear and anger. They were all coming out.
My step mom answered for me. "Yes, for a long time"
That moment is the moment I will remember for the rest of my life.
He held me so tight. It actually hurt. At a point I thought he could break me into pieces. But I didn't care. I was safe. I couldn't breathe, but again, I didn't care. I was wrapped in my fathers arms and I knew I was never going to be hurt again.
Then it happened. He let me go. He was no longer crying. He was pissed. He pushed me off of him and jumped up off the couch. His hands went straight up to the ceiling and he let out a sound that can only be described as an angry fucking bear. It wasn't a scream. It was a roar.
He was pissed.
Someone hurt his baby and now he had to go get ready and take care of it.
He didn't have to say anything. We knew that is what his intentions were.
Marcie did everything she could to calm him down.
Finally words were coming out of my mouth as I was begging him to stay home.
"No daddy. I need you. If you go do something I will lose you. Please daddy"
He broke.
The tears that man shed that night were tears I never wanted to see come out of my father.
He held me for hours as we cried together.
But from that moment, I was safe. It was a long road ahead but never again would any man put his hands on me without my permission.
I was strong.
I didn't let all of the years of abuse break me. I never gave any of them the power to take over my soul.
Not one of them won.
I won.
The little girl that was begging for an escape was finally free.

I remember when my mom heard the news from children services.  She came over to my father's house as soon as she found out.  I opened the back door.  She didn't come in.  She was crying.  Her words broke me into a million pieces.  

"I am so sorry, I didn't know! I can't believe he did this to me! I trusted him!"

Wait....

What? 

You can't believe he did this to 'You'

This man stole my innocence and my soul for 6 years.  Laying on top of me,  crushing me with his huge 300 pound body.  Calling me by your fucking name.  

Yeah,  I can't believe he did this to you either.  I stood there in shock.  No longer crying.  My father heard those words.  He felt exactly how I felt.  He came up behind me and politely told me to go to the other room.  I heard some of the things he said to her.  Enough to know that he didn't like what she said to me.  

She left.  

It was a long 6 years.  

It was an  even longer few months following. 

But I made it through.  

I survived. 

I didn't become one of "those girls"
I rose above it all.
I made the negative situation a positive one.
Years later I became a mother. I used my childhood in my adulthood. I knew what I had to do to protect my little girl from ever being abused. I never put her or allowed her to be in a situation that anything could potentially happen to her. I may of over done it but I succeeded.
She was safe.
I was safe.
I forgave.
But I will never forget.