A Happy Birthday Message for My Father

Hi! I hope you are doing good up there. I know you can see what I am going through down here. There is a part of me that can not wait to be with you. But for now, I can just tell you how I feel.

You taught me so many things in the 30 years you were with me. Things that most good fathers teach their children and sometimes things that parents would never show them. But I appreciated all the stuff I learned from you, good and bad. The biggest thing you taught me was how to love. I mean not just the typical kind of love, but really love. Unconditionally. Everyone. No excuses, no barriers, no boundaries. Everyone you come in contact with is deserving of the love that you have inside you. There is no reason to not be nice to everyone you meet, even if you just met them.

You taught me how to laugh. At everything. Even the inappropriate things. You can find anything to be funny. That belly laugh that you would let out was so contagious. Even if the stuff wasn't funny it was hard not to laugh because of your laugh. I was watching an old stand up comedy show the other day and I was laughing, not because what Richard Pryor was saying was funny but because I could remember you laughing at that same joke and I could hear it. I miss that laugh. You would either hold your belly or slap your knee but either way it was "so funny."

You taught me how to fight. Never ever give up. If you want something, if you believe in something then you go out there and you do everything you can to get it. Anything is possible. They gave you six months and you punched that six months in the face. You didn't give up. I don't even believe you gave up at the end. They say "He lost his fight to cancer." No! No he did not. He fought until the end. Your heart would not allow you to stop fighting. Your body was the one that couldn't handle it. That was not your fault. It was your time. You had to go. We both had to accept that. As soon as I told you "Its ok daddy, you can go." you slipped away peacefully. I was so blessed to be there, holding you as you became healthy again, able to live without pain.

When I was little I was your baby girl and that never changed even as I got older. "I don't care how old you are, you will always be my baby!" I remember when you knocked my two front teeth out. Of course not on purpose. I just always had to be where you were and at that time I probably shouldn't of been right behind you. But no matter how wrong I was or whatever bad things I did, you never yelled at me. You would just sit me down and talk to me. Most of the time while laughing at me. There were many times you came back with "Oh that was nothing really, when I was your age I did a lot worse, like this one time.." Believe me when I say, you were right when you said what you did was a lot worse. Your stories were crazy. But your laugh, when you told them, made it so much better!!

I remember when you were sick and you sat me down at the kitchen table and had all your childhood pictures sitting around the table. You wanted me to get to know everything about you. Watching you cry as you went though your memories was one of the hardest things I ever witnessed. But I appreciate all the stories. I cherish them.

There was a time you picked me up, because it was your weekend, and I was crying because I was tired of always getting made fun of at school. Either it was because I was so tall or just because I was fat or ugly. You reassured me that I was beautiful and one day all of these kids would see that. One day I would see that too. It has taken me such a long time but I finally am starting to believe that. You always tried to build me up when the world around me was crashing down. That is why I will never let anything take away my light. The light that you always held over me.

You babied me. More than what was normal but still to this day I love that you did those little things. Like always cutting my steak up for me when we had it for dinner. Tucking me in every night, even when I was 18 and about to move out, even if I was already in bed when you got home from work.. you would still come upstairs and kiss me and tell me "Daddy loves you baby." You would call me right back if we hung the phone up without saying "I love you." That was not okay. You always told me you loved me, sometimes multiple times a day. Even before you left this earth you found the strength inside of you to open your eyes and tell me you loved me one last time.

"Never make a promise you can not keep." You promised me that you would never leave me and even in death you keep that promise on a daily basis. I appreciate that. I love you so much for that. Because even though I am a grown adult, I still need my daddy.

Today I sit here wishing I could of been able to spend your birthday with you. Its another one, the 8th to be exact, that I had to be without you. But I know you are having an amazing birthday in Heaven. You have your family and your friends to share the day with you. Since I can not give you much I can just hope you are looking down and I am making you proud. Not just today but every single day I am on this earth without you.

I love you and miss you so much. The pain has not lessened over the years. They say with time it gets better. That is complete bullshit. Whoever "they" is needs punched in the face. But I know that what keeps me going is one day I will see you on the other side. I will hug you and kiss you and never let you go.

Happy Birthday Daddy.

Love Always,

Your Baby Girl. <3