Live Beyond What If. Find Joy In What Is.

Everyone has that moment where they wonder "what if" at least a few times in their life. It would be hard to convince me that anyone has never had that thought. Most people believe that everything happens for a reason but even though we try so hard to figure out what that reason is we may never know. There are a lot of "what ifs" in my past. Not that I regret where I am now but mostly because I am curious to know if things would be any different than what they are now.
Do you remember those books where at the end of the chapter you could pick which choice the character made. Like...
Skip to chapter 3 if you think Tony should go over the bridge and move on to chapter 2 if he you want him to take the boat across the lake.
What would life be like if you could choose your destiny. I mean we kind of can but what if you didn't like the way that particular chapter ended you could go back to the last chapter and choose the other option. Do you think that the majority of the population would always pick the brighter road? What if that beautiful rainbow didn't always lead you to the pot of gold. The rainbow could end up in a swamp. You don't really know, right?
I had someone say to me once that she wish she knew when she was going to die.
I absolutely do not agree with this, at all.
I think you would stress about this day the closer it got. You would deprive yourself of so much happiness and living because you would be concentrating on the fact that your time was up in less than a week. But what if we did know. What if there was a watch on our wrist that we could see exactly how many hours or minutes we had until our time was up? I could not imagine this but I know many people do.
What if I didn't let my daughter go to that party, she wouldn't of been raped.
What if I never would of smoked that first cigarette, I wouldn't be smoking a pack a day.
What if I didn't eat all the cake, I wouldn't of gained 10 pounds.
Sure we have choices but at the time we only think of the positive and how we feel at that moment.
We wonder, "If I would of known I would never see her again I would of hugged her a little longer."
But why not hug everyone a little longer now? You honestly do not know if it is going to be your last time so why not love them like it is going to be.
There is perfect song for this situation... Live Like You are Dying.
No regrets, no what ifs.
Sometimes I wonder if I would of told on the boys/men that did horrible things to me, when they first started, would I be any different? Some people think I am a lesbian because I was sexually abused but I don't agree with that. Situations do not make you a lesbian. Attraction and Love make you a lesbian. Not all lesbians or "gay people" have been abused. I strongly agree with this. Not that I am right but there is no way we can support this being that there are gay people that have never had a bad thing ever happen to them.
I also have those "what ifs" that are not as extreme.
You know that person you had that amazing conversation with. You connected on a level that is almost unbelievable being that you did not know them the day before.
There was this girl. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend. I was actually on a date with another girl when I met her. These two girls were playing pool and my date and I asked if we could join, playing teams. That is all it took. Conversation started. We never stopped talking. There was a connection that was intense and the more we talked and drank the deeper it got. I learned so much about her. She had just lost her best friend to breast cancer and she had done all of these walks and marathons in her memory to raise money for research. Her heart was huge, she reminded me of me. The girl she was with that night was not her girlfriend but that girl had every intention to be with her romantically but Erica had no intentions and was not attracted to her. She just needed a friend. The girl I was on a date with was not anywhere near who I wanted to be with but I just needed a night out. There we were. We ended up dancing together. Very sexual and very intense. Everything was perfect. Or at least I thought it was. We discussed getting together again but that never happened. This is where the "what if" comes in.
When we were leaving, we were saying our goodbyes and she wrote her number down on the napkin and pushed it across the table for my date and I. We all became friends through the night, we talked about all of us getting together soon. My date grabbed it and put it in her pocket and said she would hold on to it until she got me home, I didn't have any pockets nor was I carrying a purse. I didn't think anything of it, I was kind of tipsy anyways. I forgot to ask her for the napkin when she dropped me off. When I asked for it the next day she said she "lost it".
What if I would of took the chance of losing it myself and just grabbed it. I would of had her number. I would of seen her again. I would not of lost touch with this beautiful soul.
But that is not what was supposed to happen.
Everything happens for a reason, right?
Then there was this other girl. I went to high school with her. We didn't talk much, actually not even at all. I was out in school. Most people knew I was gay. She was not out. I was actually shocked as hell when I found out years later. She had just had a really bad break up. I was in a relationship. I was going through so much at the time and for whatever reason we started talking. We needed each other on totally different levels. We needed the laughs and conversation. We needed the escape from the heartache we were going through. Reality was not real when we were talking. But the timing was way off for anything more. When I became single I reached out to find her. I needed to know if our connection was more than just that small time we connected. But now she was in a relationship. I was angry and confused why life was happening this way. How could something that seemed so perfect be untouchable. She made it very clear that I broke her heart. The choice I made to stay in the relationship and not choose her destroyed her. I was her what if just as much as she was mine. But obviously that was not supposed to happen. We were not supposed to be together. She is happily married now. I am in a beautiful relationship. Everything is perfect for both of us.
But still, What if?
My dad used to always say this to me...
"The woulda, coulda, shoulda ain't gonna help you now."
This is so correct. On so many levels.
When it is your time, it is your time.
When your relationship does not last and you feel you will never recover, you will recover, you will find love again.
When you turned left instead of right and you were in that car accident, you still would of been in some kind of accident if you went the other way.
Whatever happens is supposed to happen.
Your destiny is not the choice you make. At least not on every level in life.
But to support this thought just think of this.
Look at the people who graduate from college with a certain degree under them then years later they go back to school or open their own business doing something totally unrelated to what they thought they wanted for their life. It does not matter what you want "at that moment" because you are going to end up exactly where you are intended.
I remember my father being a huge "what if".
I used to work with my dad. We were so close. Our feelings and connection was stronger than most parents and their children. I walked into his office and seen him leaning over the desk and holding his stomach. I knew something was wrong. I told him to go to the doctor. He reassured me that he was fine. For a month I called him every single morning. Maybe not every morning but out of 30 days I called him at least 20 of them. Crying. I was so upset. I kept having these dreams that he was sick and he was dying. I begged him to go to the doctor. Again, he reassured me that he was fine. My intuition was not saying the same thing but I trusted him. He was far from fine. When my dad passed away I had a huge fight with myself questioning the "what ifs".
What if I would of made the appointment for him.
What if he would of believed me when I said that something was not right.
What if he was diagnosed way before stage four.
As much as I believe in "It is what it is" and "What will be will be" it was hard for me to accept that I could not of changed his fate.
These moments in life fuck with you. Emotionally and Mentally.
I have become so different with life and the choices I make since I have made this realization.
I just want to live.
I just want to be happy.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I know I am going to love and laugh all I can today.
I will hug you tighter when I am saying goodbye.
I will tell you I love you every chance I get.
I will enjoy every blessing life gives me.
Because what if I don't do these things.
Or better yet...
What if I do.