Words from my Soul

Hi! I hope you are doing good up there. I know you can see what I am going through down here. There is a part of me that can not wait to be with you. But for now, I can just tell you how I feel. You taught me so many things in the 30 years you were with me. Things that most good fathers teach their children and sometimes things that parents would never show them. But I appreciated all the stuff I learned from you, good and bad. The biggest thing you taught me was how to love. I mean not just the typical kind of love, but really love. Unconditionally. Everyone. No excuses, no barriers, no boundaries. Everyone you come in contact with is deserving of the love that you have inside you. There is no reason to not be nice to everyone you meet, even if you just met them. You taught me how to laugh. At everything. Even the inappropriate things. You can find anything to be funny. That belly laugh that you would let out was so contagious. Even if the stuff wasn't funny it wa...

Everyone has that moment where they wonder "what if" at least a few times in their life. It would be hard to convince me that anyone has never had that thought. Most people believe that everything happens for a reason but even though we try so hard to figure out what that reason is we may never know. There are a lot of "what ifs" in my past. Not that I regret where I am now but mostly because I am curious to know if things would be any different than what they are now. Do you remember those books where at the end of the chapter you could pick which choice the character made. Like... Skip to chapter 3 if you think Tony should go over the bridge and move on to chapter 2 if he you want him to take the boat across the lake. What would life be like if you could choose your destiny. I mean we kind of can but what if you didn't like the way that particular chapter ended you could go back to the last chapter and choose the other option. Do you think that the majori...

I was just a little girl when I realized that I was different. I believed there was something wrong with me. I knew for some reason that the feelings I was feeling were wrong, or what I thought was wrong, because I would sneak and hide the little things I was doing so I would not get into trouble. I don't believe that you can be pushed or persuaded into being attracted to one person verses another. It is definitely a feeling. It is something beyond your control. You can not help where your eyes wonder. So still today it baffles me why so many people can't accept another for being in love with someone of the same sex. Why should anyone else have any say in who I kiss good-night or who I want to spend the rest of my life with? That does not seem fair. But for whatever reason, it is happening. I would steal my fathers playboy and hustler magazines at a very young age. I was so inquisitive on the female body. There was this strange addiction I could not control with looking at ...

Over twenty years ago this girl walked into my life and made one of the biggest impacts on me. She was tiny. She was a bitch (and proud of it), she was feisty and she was absolutely beautiful. From the first day I met her we connected on a level that I never had with anyone else. She took me under her wing and never dropped me. She taught me things, she confided in me, she trusted me, she guided me, she stood up for me, she accepted me and most importantly she loved me. She loved me with all of her heart and nothing ever changed that. I have so many things I can say about her but there are so many things to focus on just one. She was not afraid to speak her mind. If she believed something and she thought you needed to know then you better brace yourself because heartache or not she was going to say it. Maybe it was something she just did with me. Maybe it was tough love. Maybe she just didn't give a shit. Whatever the reason was, I respected her. I looked up to her. I fucking lo...

I was laying on a broke down mattress out by the fire pit. I was taking a nap. This was normal for country living. I woke up to the sound of a lawnmower coming close to me. There was this man. Older looking gentleman with a weird hat and Jesus sandals on his feet. I had no idea who this guy was or where he came from. I also had no idea the bond and lessons he was going to be teaching me for the rest of my life. As I got older I was told that this man was coming over and visiting my mom when my father was at work. He would park his truck behind the barn hoping it was out of site for anyone to see. It was seen though. My uncle seen it and told my father right away. This day changed all of our lives forever. My dad had to leave our home and I only got to see him every couple of weeks and this other man was now in my life all the time. I didn't like it. At all. I actually hated it. It made me angry and rebellious. My attitude towards life and more importantly my mother changed drast...

What does being a good mother mean to you? You see the woman in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes, mopping the floor, putting food on the table, reading you bedtime stories and tucking you in. She stands at the doorway and takes a long look before walking out of the bedroom and shutting off the light. She comes to every game, yells and screams all while supporting your every move. She has pictures posted all over her desk at work, albums of photos of you while you were growing up, taking your first bath, your first birthday, the first haircut. A series of school photos on the wall, every year in chronological order. Is she the perfect mother embedded in your head? If she does all these things do people look at her like she is the epitome of the definition. I am not even close to being that. My own mother was no where near that description. As a matter of fact I am not sure anyone I know is that "mother" but I would like to think that she is out there. How lucky that child w...