50 shades of rainbow
I don't believe that you can be pushed or persuaded into being attracted to one person verses another. It is definitely a feeling. It is something beyond your control. You can not help where your eyes wonder. So still today it baffles me why so many people can't accept another for being in love with someone of the same sex. Why should anyone else have any say in who I kiss good-night or who I want to spend the rest of my life with? That does not seem fair. But for whatever reason, it is happening.
I would steal my fathers playboy and hustler magazines at a very young age. I was so inquisitive on the female body. There was this strange addiction I could not control with looking at women. I was not taught that I had to love a man, or be with a man, nor was I taught that being with a female was inapropripriate. I guess it was just assumed I would be "normal" but I was far from the "normal" I was supposed to be.
I remember the first girl I kissed. I was not even ten years old. We were sitting under a blanket in the front yard that was a make shift tent on a huge tire. I do not remember how it happened but I know we liked it. I can remember doing little things, that little girls were not supposed to do, but I guess we were just experimenting. I think both of us were being sexually abused at a very young age so the fact that we were doing things like this was not too out of character for what we have learned. The first time we got caught my brother walked into my bedroom with my cousin and I was laying on top of the other girl and we were kissing. My brother was quick to starting yelling for my father. My cousin kept trying to get him not to tell on me but he did not listen. My friend had to go home and I received the first ass whoopin that I ever remember.
He did not beat the curiosity out of me.
My second experiment was when I was around thirteen. This girl and I went a lot farther then the first trial run I had. We felt things. Emotional things. We reached the point that only grown, married adults should of been doing. That is when I knew that I would rather have the feeling of a girl touching me than a boy.
But it still felt wrong. It still was something I did not feel comfortable telling the world, let alone my family. But I could not stop this attraction. It was strong. My heart wanted a female.
I am not sure if all girls have at least one curious night with their best friend but when I did I became addicted to the feeling.
We were sitting on the bed while sharing a bowl of ice cream. We were looking at my step-brothers dirty magazines. I remember her asking me if I ever kissed a girl and I was afraid to answer yes but I did. She just replied "I have always wanted to."
We just sat there in silence. For what seemed like forever.
Who was going to make the first move?
She leaned in and kissed me.
Her lips were so soft. The kiss was perfect.
We didn't stop there.
It happened a lot after that.
Whenever we had the chance, at each others homes, in the photo developing room at school, it didn't matter. We liked it, we couldn't stop.
She was a cheerleader. She was popular. She was beautiful. I loved her.
I remember sitting in anatomy class with her one day and I asked her if she thought we were "lesbians". She just looked at me for a moment. She then asked me if I thought I was a lesbian and just replied with a simple "I don't know".
I knew she liked men, a lot. But I also knew that I wanted to be with just her and she made that very clear that that was not an option but she had a suggestion. She had a friend who she knew was also curious and possibly a lesbian. She was the captain of the basketball team. She had red hair and was also very popular. She was informed of me and my question on being a lesbian. She had never been with a female before but was wanting to be with me.
She came to the house and picked me up. I introduced her to my father and he was so happy I had made a new friend. What he didn't know is this would be the beginning of a new relationship that lasted most of my high school years. She took me to a local Mexican restaurant. We flirted all night. There was definitely an attraction. There was something there that both of us wanted. I stayed the night with her that night. We were laying in bed and talking. I could tell she wanted to kiss me. She kept making little remarks but was very obviously afraid to make the first move. Then she leaned over me to turn off the light. That was the moment we connected on a level she had never had before. We did not hide it in school. We walked around holding hands. She would kiss me before she went into her next class. We didn't care. We didn't hide it from her mother. Everyone knew. My brother even knew.
But I did not want to tell my father.
His opinion meant everything to me.
I knew I would break his heart.
I feel like he knew there for a minute but didn't want to believe it.
Then that day came.
We were sitting on his bed and I was crying because she was cheating on me with a new girl at our school. I had found out from some mutual friends of ours. She didn't even have the guts to tell me. I just kept telling my dad that I was "going through something". Then it came out of my mouth.
"I love her."
He just started crying.
I hated seeing my father cry. It was the worst thing in the world. This time it was my fault. Which made it even worse.
His response was simple.
"I do not want you to be gay. I want grandchildren. I want to walk you down the isle."
I then promised him I would not be gay.
How in the hell did I think I could ever promise anyone that?
Like it's a choice. Like I can just turn the switch off and not like girls anymore.
I kept bringing home boyfriends after that.
But I was never happy.
Years went by.
I was pregnant with my daughter when I had an emotional breakdown.
I was crying to my brother and sister-in-law telling them that I was going through something and I didn't know how to deal with it.
After some discussion it came out of my mouth.
"I am gay."
His response was shocking.
"Yeah, we know."
Well damn that was easy.
He promised he would help me with my mom but I was on my own with my father.
I figured I would wait until I had my daughter before I "came out" because I thought I would have a better chance of everyone still loving me if there was a granddaughter involved.
I was right. It was a lot easier.
My first real girlfriend destroyed me. We were together for two years. She cheated on me all the time. We had just got a loan to buy our first home together when she came home and told me that she wanted to break up but still live with me.
The hell if that was going to happen.
As soon as she left for work the next day I had almost every family member helping me move out.
I took her back one more time after all that but she didn't change. The last time she did it was the last chance she had.
I dated a few girls from then. Nothing too serious.
The next girl I started dating lasted a long time.
I went through a drive thru and she asked me what kind of guzzler I wanted.
"You pick."
She just looked at me and smiled.
I turned to my friend and told her "I am going to marry that girl."
She obviously said I was crazy.
But I wasn't.
I married her years later.
We were together for fourteen years. It was not always sunshine and rainbows. We were learning each other as we were learning about ourselves. We grew up together. I just grew up a little faster. After being with her for so long I realized our relationship was not like it should of been. She needed me and I needed something else. I felt like I was her mother but she controlled me. I was not allowed to do anything and even though she acted as if I could do whatever I wanted there was always a fight if I did it. I knew it was over the night my cousin called me and asked me if we could hang out because she was having family issues. I told my girlfriend days before the night was planned. Everything was fine until I was getting ready to walk out the door. Then I got the cold shoulder and attitude like I was deceiving her.
I couldn't live like this anymore. I didn't want to feel like this anymore.
But I was scared.
This is all I knew.
We had a home together. We built a life together. She is all my daughter knew.
I remember we got into a huge fight one night. This was actually a regular thing. We were fighting because gay marriage had just became legal and she asked me if I would marry her again.
I replied no.
Not only was that not the reply she was expecting but she was not accepting of it either.
The next day I went up to my daughter and asked her what she thought if I would leave her.
Her reply was a shocking and relieving as I ever could of imagined.
"I have been waiting for this for a long time."
What have I been putting my daughter through for so long that she has been waiting for me to leave this woman. Why did I think keeping the family together was a good idea if we were so unhappy.
I went and took a shower that night. I was in there forever. I just kept crying not knowing how to handle these feelings any longer. I had already told my girlfriend that I was not happy and I didn't think I wanted to be with her anymore but she was not receptive to this information and would not let go. She did everything she could to keep it going.
That night, after the shower, I looked in the mirror and was so afraid to go into the bedroom. I knew that if she seen my face and realized I had been crying that we would get into a discussion I was too afraid to get into. I walked into the bedroom and what she said to me still haunts me to this day.
"What's wrong with you, are you on your period or something?"
I have been with you for fourteen years and the fact that you have no idea I am going through something so terrible was a huge eye opener.
She didn't know me at all.
I laid in bed, right beside her, and cried all night long.
My father had passed away a few years prior to this.
I would talk to him.
I begged him to help me.
"Show me what I need to do daddy, I am so scared."
Even though I knew she could tell I was crying right beside her she never asked what was wrong and she never turned around to hold me.
Two days later I went to work and one of my coworkers, who was a longtime friend of my fathers, came into my office and shut the door behind her.
"I don't know what you are going through right now but I need to tell you something."
She continued to tell me a dream she had had the night before.
"You were walking on the beach, it was dark out, the waves were crashing and they were so high. I just kept screaming your name to try to get you to stop and not go into the water but you never turned around. I was so scared. Out of nowhere your father put his hand on my shoulder and said, so calmly,
"It's okay, let her go, she will be fine." - I don't know why I needed to get this message to you but your father was trying to tell you something and he used me to get it to you."
All I could do was cry.
She was beside herself as I explained the situation and how I just cried to my father begging him to help me as I didn't know what to do.
She started crying with me.
Not even a month later that fourteen year long relationship came to an end.
It wasn't easy, for her, but it felt amazing and a huge weight was lifted when she was gone. I know I hurt her. I know that she loved me. I know she never expected I would leave her no matter how many times I said I was not happy.
But my father said I would be okay.
My daughter was waiting for the change.
I needed someone to give me what I deserved.
The chance to be loved the way I needed and the ability to be myself.
I have found the woman I believe is my soul mate.
She makes me feel things I have never felt in my entire life.
I have my own life. I have my girls nights.
She never makes me feel bad for having a voice or an opinion.
We communicate on a level that I never thought was possible.
Loving her is easy.
Of course we have our bad moments but they are not bad days.
We are strong enough and adult enough to get through the issues and move on.
That's the way it should be.
She is so beautiful and she makes me feel beautiful.
She is encouraging, supporting and so amazing.
I have never felt the kind of love that her and I share.
It is not a choice.
It's a feeling.
It's an attraction.
It's a connection.
She is my best friend.
She is my everything.
She is my fifty shades of rainbow. 🌈
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