Mother Dearest
I am not even close to being that. My own mother was no where near that description. As a matter of fact I am not sure anyone I know is that "mother" but I would like to think that she is out there. How lucky that child would be and I would pray that they would know what they have and never take advantage of her.
I don't think you have to have all of these qualities to be a good mother. I try to stay away from the stereotypical perfect idea because I do not believe there is a perfect mother. I think that my mom tried to be good. I know I tried to be one of the best. Since my daughter beat teen pregnancy and never had any STD's and she graduated high school I should be in a category of doing a damn good job. But I had my faults. I have been told that being a mother is learned behavior mixed with a natural instinct. I am not so sure I believe that. My father was not kissed and hugged, he wasn't told "I love you" on a regular basis and he had his share of ass beatings. But he didn't let that affect how he wanted to raise me. He made a difference and changed the cycle. So even though some people believe that you are how you are raised, I strongly disagree.
Growing up I do not have many memories of my mom, most of them were negative. Maybe that is because those memories affected me more but for whatever reason they are the ones I am having a hard time letting go. My mother was not perfect. She didn't hug me all the time, I wasn't smothered in kisses. When I really needed her she was not there for me. There was a day that I had a horrible day. I needed her attention, I went downstairs and laid my head on her lap. I just wanted her to hold me, maybe run her fingers through my hair but that is the total opposite of what I received. Her response was simple.
"Get up your head is heavy and it's hurting my leg."
I couldn't hold the tears in so rather than sitting there and letting her see how her reaction affected me I got up quietly and went to my room. This was only one of many incidents that I can share. On my thirteenth birthday my entire family on my mothers side came over for dinner, cake and ice cream. After dinner everyone got up to go to the living room and watch TV while I cleaned the table off. I will admit I ate my feelings. I was going through so much. As you will read or have read in other blogs. As I was clearing the mess I took the bowel of left over green beans and started to drink the buttery, salty juice that was left over. There was a commercial on the television talking about the new epidemic of AIDS/HIV. I heard the lady on the commercial say one of the symptoms was severe weight loss and decreased appetite. I don't know why she said it, maybe she just thought she was being funny. A few of my family members laughed, so maybe it was funny. Maybe it was because I was drinking that amazing green bean juice and that was not the most flattering thing to do. But the words still ring in my head.
"Well we know Jessica doesn't have AIDS"
I was so embarrassed, even more mortified than anything. Why would you say that. For whatever reason I will never forget it or how I felt when I heard it. So that little saying you hear growing up "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Yeah, that shit is not true. Words hurt. They stick. They affect you for the rest of your life. The bruise from the stick will fade but the lasting pain from the words will never leave you.
After my father died I thought that me and my mom would become so much closer. I prayed about it. I needed her. I thought she would eat that shit up that I was no longer daddies girl. It didn't go that way at all. She didn't change. My father died in Dec and my birthday was in Jan. I came home on the day of my birthday to find a room full of presents. I remember looking at my girlfriend at the time and just started crying. She could of saved all of that money and just came over and sat on the couch with me and held me. I was going through something terrible and all you could do was buy me a shit ton of presents? I didn't want her to buy my love but that was her way of showing it. I thanked her but never understood why this was her way of trying to make me feel better. Because it surely did not. A couple months later we were driving down the street and her phone rang. It was her father. I have heard her talk to her dad many times. I have heard her answer the phone with him on the other line. Never in all my years did she answer like she did this time.
"Hi Daddy!!!"
As she said this in her high pitched baby voice she looked over my way to see if I reacted to her response. I don't think I showed how that made me feel but if I did I really didn't mean to. I was disgusted. I would never imagine someone doing something so ridiculous in front of someone that was mourning the loss of their father. I know she did it on purpose. I knew she was looking for a reaction. Maybe to make me cry. Maybe to make herself feel more powerful as she had that over me. She did it all the time. I watched her do things like that to other people including my little girl. She will bring things up, all emotionally and obnoxiously, with her crying, feel sorry for me voice all the time to different people. I've watched her and heard her on multiple occasions. Maybe she doesn't do it on purpose but there is no way anyone can convince me of that. Misery loves company and she loved it too much. I hated it, I still hate it. When she does it I can't stand it. I have learned to ignore her or bring up something positive to change it. It works. As soon as she does not get the reaction she is reaching for her mood and affect changes totally.
I know she has her own demons, her own issues and she does not know how to cope or make them better, I just wish I knew how to help her. But I promise you out of all the attempts of talking to her and trying to help her it has always turned into disaster. She is always the victim and sees no wrong in her actions. So I try not to focus on those things anymore and just focus on myself. I just need to love her where she is at. Because I do not want to be in that same bubble. I just know that when I became a mother she had taught me how not to me. I am thankful for that.
When I became a mother I was so excited. Never have I wanted anything more in life than to be a mommy. The day I found out was one of the happiest days of my life. I couldn't wait to share the news with my mom and my father. I wasn't married. I was only 19 but I was so ready. It changed my life. I vowed to be a good mom. I wanted to protect this little girl from everything in life that I had ever experienced. Before I knew what I was having people were telling me I was having a boy.
The hell I am.
I will keep that baby in my belly till his penis falls off.
I didn't want a boy.
Unacceptable.
After 28 hours of horrible labor I was laying in the bed with my back towards the monitor. My mom walked in and started screaming.
"The baby is dying!!"
What??
That is the absolute last thing you want to hear after carrying a child for almost 10 months and being in labor for over an entire day.
I flipped out.
People came running in, nurses, techs, a screaming pissed off doctor.
Oxygen mask was put on my face and my bed was being pushed quickly into another room. My mom was crying and running beside the bed. She was so scared. I was so scared. I looked at her crying and all I remember saying was "Please mom, don't let my baby die."
Then there were lights. They were so bright.
The pain hit me like an explosion all through my body.
"OMG, I can feel you cutting me"
I was screaming.
Then I was asleep.
I woke up in recovery. I remember the first thing I said was "is my baby okay?'
I don't remember if the nurse answered me or not. I don't remember much of anything after that.
Until they put this beautiful creature I had created in my arms.
I was a mommy to a 10 pound 10 oz baby girl.
Happiest day of my life.
It is an indescribable feeling. I loved her with my entire heart and I just met her.
I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted her to trust me and know that I would always be there for her. She slept in my bed with me for the first year or so of her life. I know this is a controversial situation but I felt safer with her beside me. Years went by. I showered her with kisses and hugs. I told her I loved her a million times a day. I laughed at her silly quirks. I had photo albums full of her firsts and growing up moments. I was that proud mother I always dreamed of being. I was not perfect. I would never claim to be. I struggled. I was still young. I still wanted to go out with my friends. My mom was more than happy to keep her for me so I could do things. I appreciated that. Until one day that all changed. She approached me with the most ridiculous suggestion.
I was a single mother, on welfare and on top of all this, I had just came out when I was pregnant for her. I was a lesbian mother on welfare. To my mother this was not an ideal situation for her granddaughter. But she wanted to help me. She wanted to fix it and she had the perfect plan.
"I can provide her with a better life, I can give her the insurance and normalcy she needs while growing up. If you just sign her over to me, you give me the rights to her so I can raise her."
What the fuck.
She was out of her goddamn mind.
This was my baby, my little girl. You want to take her from me because I am a lesbian?
My head was spinning. I was so upset. She knew it too. There was no hiding those emotions.
Needless to say she didn't watch my daughter a whole lot after that. Things had to change. I had to grow up and take more responsibility and show her that I could do this. I didn't need her.
I was far from perfect but I did everything I could to make her safe and give her a stable life and home. I loved her. So besides everything I did not do right I made sure this was something she always knew. She was safe. I was way over protective. She was not allowed to stay at any ones house where there was any dads, step dads, brothers or any male humans in the home. It was not happening. Her friends could stay with her. It was rough, she didn't understand. I made sure that the parents of the children knew the home situation. I did not want any problems. Some were open and okay with it but there were some that were not. I feel bad for my daughter for having to go through that but it would not of been fair for me to not live truthfully to myself to make life easier on everyone around me. Plus what I did in the privacy of my bedroom had no affect on anyone. They allowed that to be their problem. It was not mine. Our family was normal for us. There were two grown ups. Pets. A home with a TV and game systems. Pretty typical for what I have seen in other homes.
I tried to teach my little girl that every family was different. They were not always the families you seen on television shows. There wasn't always a mother and father. Sometimes there was just a mother, or a mom and step dad, or grandparents raising their grandchildren. I don't believe it is all about who is raising you but more how the people are raising you.
My daughter is going to be 19 soon. This was the age I found out that I was going to be a mommy to her. She is beautiful. Inside and out. She is so smart and has a voice and mind of her own. She is a strong human being and she is finding herself in this great big world. I think even though I was not perfect and she didn't have a father growing up she turned out to be pretty freaking amazing. I could not be more proud to be her mother. We are going through the normal teen girl and mother changes right now. She is learning to be more independent and not relying on me as much. I am living my own life, no longer in the same home as her. She is actually getting ready to move to a different state, far away from here. She is moving in with my mom. At first I was a little upset. I felt like my mom was finally getting her after all these years. But then I was reassured I already raised her. My mom was not really getting her like that. She is already her own person with her own ideas and attitude. Maybe this is a good thing. She needs to get out of this state. She needs to explore the world. She needs to discover what all is out there. Maybe it is good for my mom too. She needs the love and attention and the company. She shouldn't be alone. This will be good for both of them. They will help each other grow. Or just the opposite. They will grow to hate each other. We will see.
The one I love with my entire heart and the one I could only wish for that type of love. Two different worlds, two different generations, two different parts of my life and learning are going to be able to learn from each other. One will understand what I grew up with and the other will see what I raised. One full of love and appreciation and the other needs to learn about love and appreciation. All I can say is I wish them both the best in this new chapter.
I love them both with my entire heart and soul.
I am just the girl in between.
I am the daughter to one and mother to the other.
Both helped me become the woman I am today.
I couldn't be where I am with out both of them.
My baby girl and my mommy dearest.
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